Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a paper cut and didn't cry this time...Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!

   What the world needs now...is more toilet paper...because there is just too much bullsh*t floating around.

   your outfit makes you look like a stripper. A high end stripper for governors and athletes, but a stripper nonetheless.

   i wish that I had jessie's girl...=(

   Scientists have predicted that the human race will be no more in 10,000 years. All I think is that with what happened this afternoon in Woolwich - good!

   In a stunning display of maturity, Kid Rock announces he is changing his name to Adult Contemporary.

   There are a few people I'd like to go to bed with but I can't think of a single person I'd like to wake up with. Too honest?

   I have so few friends that I think I just gave myself an intervention.

   I just opened the dryer door & a quarter fell out and rolled underneath it, so I guess I just opened myself a savings account.

   Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news, his ring is missing.

   hmmm this cereal is bland, tasteless, boring, flat, flavorless...*reads box* oh,,, this is Synonym Toast Crunch

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   Christopher Walken talks like he swallowed too many commas.

   You know it's good advice, when your still confused afterwards.

   I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!

   NO, I'm not drinking alone. I'm here with all of my Facebook friends! That counts.....Yes it does!!

   Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

   Ya know, those JP Wentworth commercial are lies! I spent 3 hrs yelling out my window "Its MY money and I want it now!!" Only thing I got was ticket for disturbing the peace!