Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if guys who masturbate to feet, ever get off on the wrong foot..... ba-dum ching (Don't get up, I'll let myself out.)

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   Kind of wish I didn't choose the thug life, everyone's really mean.

   The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.

   Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.

   If you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"

   If your relationship has more issues than a magazine stand then I suggest you cancel that subscription

   To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Please don’t drink and drive. Last night I put my hand out of the car to indicate I was turning right and some moron pulled the the bottle out of my hand!

   Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don’t work out.

   Apparently there was a big misunderstanding yesterday, between me and the cute little Japanese girl that was cutting my hair. as I explained to the officer, How was I suppose to know what she meant when she asked me if I'd like a "brow job".

   Audley Harrison has announced he's to come out of retirement after managing to knock out a w*nk.

   There should be support groups for women that are nervous abouth their next Bra purchase.

   A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

   She told me she was a vegan so I pretended I never met herbivore.

   What girls age 18-22 lack in personality and sexual skills, they more than make up for by being incredibly gullible and naive.