Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Make sure you have at least one friend who invents words. It could be me, or it could be another wordventor,,, It doesn't matter.

   It's just ADORABLE how the Liquor Store cashier always wishes me a good week as if I won't be back tomorrow.

   I hate Facebook in times of disasters, Everyone shares thoughts and prayers and pretty candle photos but nobody means it and nobody gets off their fat a$$es to do anything to help.

   Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a sub, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm,,, plus I am inside a lion.

   Hey Vegans, plywood contains animal products. You're surrounded. Sleep tight.

   I guess the Government will be working to ban tornadoes now

   If I did road work I'd be that guy, the one who's leaning on his shovel and looks concerned while the other guys did all the work.

   Found: One nose, stuck deeply in my business. Claim at your own risk. (I dare you)

   My stepfather doesn't know it, but he owns the world record for eating the most jizz sandwiches in a year.

   I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after

   The only thing to fear is fear itself. Also: -Zombies. -Velociraptors. -Unwanted pregnancy. -The Hamburglar. -Spiders. -Madonna's arms.

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   If Mama Cass gave Karen Carpenter the ham sandwich she chocked on, they both would be alvive today!

   My quest for greatness has turned into a blind fumble for ok.

   The Three Up's in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   If you die and wake up in hell, at least you know you did earth right!

   Ya know, "American Pie" ruined it for any kid who really did have an amazing story about band camp.

   Hello Miss I shave my eyebrows off and draw them back on about an inch to high !!!! Yeah that looks good if your going for the shocked look!!!!