Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get my daily dose of vegetables by eating animals who eat vegetables

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

   When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?

   I'm at my sexiest when it's last call and you're pi$$ed at your boyfriend

   People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.

   Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven’t picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   I lay nude daily in my back yard just in case Google Earth decides to update.

   Shout out to all the Amish people reading this status..........................BUSTED

   has pants that say Snickers on them because they are packed with nuts and they always satisfy.

   Physician -One upon whom we set our hopes when I'll and our dogs when well.

   To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   Physician: One who can form complete sentences.

   Some days feel like abandon your life and join the French Foreign Legion kind of days.

   For my wedding anniversary I wanted to make my wife feel special. So I gave her a helmet, some goggles, an egg beater, and a pack of fruit flavoured crayons.

   I have feigned outrage over feigned outrage.

   I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"

   I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.

   I wish the bags under my eyes had weed in them.