Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   Can't we all just get a bong?

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally dropped his 2nd Reese's cup in the dirt.

   No one will ever love you as much as your dog loves your stinky feet

   Everyone I know is either pregnant or married and it makes me wish...I could find a decent drinking buddy to replace all you sellouts

   Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question

   Men, if you think you've figured women out, just try to explain how the song "You're So Vein" isn't about him...

   Baby name suggestions for Beyonce & Jay-Z: Red Vine? Yellow Daisy? Green Grass? Pink Pansy?

   If Downward Doggystyle counts, then yes, I do yoga.

   Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.

   The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally washed his jeans wit his weed still in his pocket

   The more you cry, the less you have to pee.

   If I were the judge at the Samsung & Apple trial I'd say "Let's be honest, both of you stole these ideas from Nokia" & we'd have a laugh.

   I become the Usain Bolt of eating every time I'm sharing pizza.

   David Beckham is retiring at the end of this season. Girls everywhere are shocked with this news, saying "Wait, he was a footballer?!"

   Baby, I would like to enjoy my time with you, so shut the hell up.

   The size of a woman's earrings is directly proportionate to the amount of butt stuff she'll do.

   We as a species want what we can't have and ignore the really great things sitting right in front of us I'm massaging my nipples right now!