Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.

   Advice for the ladies: Skip the boob tattoo. That cute little tiger you get will someday turn into a giraffe.

   Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!

   Its not about how many friends you have. Its about how many of your friends you can rely on in times of trouble.

   I think the most exciting part about morning $ex is when the couple turns on the light and they finally see me.

   I may be way off here but I suspect there is a correlation between your failure to get a descent job and the dumb tattoos all over your neck and face.

   JAB, I've declared myself to be totally insane, what's your excuse. . .

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   There have been more collect calls in history on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

   I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.

   Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.

   People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you're married...that's a job!!

   I only work out to stay just skinnier than the guy at the bar next to me...

   how do I break this vicious cycle of paying my own way and get free $hit from the gov't??

   When I see someone in the 20 items or less lane, who's buggy contains over 50 items, I'm often tempted to reach and throw each and every item as far as humanly possible while counting aloud, each one!

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   I am sure besides liking your own p 0sts, you also enjoy licking your own balls.

   Breaking: President Obama says his favorite musical group is Scandal