Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how some people ignore the train wreck that is my life and actually try to ask me for advice with a straight face.

   Ladies, if what you did to him cannot be fixed with a blow job then I suggest you better start looking for a new boyfriend.

   If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.

   Theee pppostt oofficee ssentt yyourr Vvvibratttorr hheree bby aaaccidenttt. Hhhoww dddo yyyouu sssshuttt ttthisss fffugginnn ttthinggg offffff?!

   Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.

   There’s nothing to fear but fear itself and any single woman who owns more than 2 cats.

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."

   I once tried to sell my soul to the devil... But he said it was too dark and rotten to be of any use to him. The best offer he could make was some broken glass and a Milli Vanilli cassette. I took the deal, because hey... Milli Vanilli!

   Dear you who is reading this: "Okay, Now lets take a minute to look back! I meant look behind you. Okay now you can look at your screen." -sincerely crazy stalker

   Facebook...making people argue about their posts/photos since 2004...

   I bet people in Turkey sleep good all the time.

   Unemployment is down, deficit shrinking, home values up, stock market thru the roof…so the right needs to make up some Scandals!!

   The cover up is clear. GOP congress reducing the funding for embassy security must be covered up at all cost!

   I want you all to know, if I win the Powerball tonight.... I'm still going to show up to Facebook tomorrow.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

   That hilarious moment when people are over taxed and act like its never happened before.

   OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.

   Any of you lottery playing dumba$$es actually know a single person who's won more than they've wasted?? I didn't think so...

   Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don't come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.