Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"

   Whenever someone says "Oh you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"

   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

   I hate it when an ugly girl catches me staring at her cleavage.

   And then Satan said, "Put the alphabet in math..."

   thousands of guys want to go for a 1 way trip to Mars... I'm dreaming for a 1 way trip to Venus !

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   If I ever have to have a steel plate in my head,. I'm gonna start me an awsome magnet collection.

   I've heard the song 'This Is How We Do It' like a million times, but it's still very unclear to me.

   Kill your vibe? How can I kill something that never existed in the first place?

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   The best reply to "I love you" is "Well that's a terrible idea."

   You know what they say. So I guess I don’t have to tell you.

   WAIT, the kids in Weird Science made a perfect woman, but she was still able to talk?. Ahhhh,The innocence of youth.. (wife not looking,, hits send)

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   Rosetta Stoned: When you get so high you think you can speak a different language