Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you think the fact that gorillas have big nostrils and big fingers are related in any way?

   My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow.

   I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I see, ugly is the new hot!

   Criminal: A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   Seriously, how come they're not called tampoons?

   I watch Grey's Anatomy every week. I am now a qualified surgeon. Please PM me for an appointment.

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   i must be old school, I prefer 720p to 1080p.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   I love my wife so much that I use c ondom with other girls.

   Girl, you must be a terrorist cause you're making my package suspicious.

   Adobe Reader should just watch the news like the rest of us for regular updates.