Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between sexual harassment and seduction. Is the first is done by men, and the 2nd one is the same thing but done by women.

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that a$$hole.

   I wanted to do a mexican joke today but that's just crossing the border!

   My favourite girls are like the titanic. They go down on the first date and you never get to see them again.

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   Monday is like a math problem. Add irritation, subtract sleep, multiply problems & divide happiness. I hate Mondays!

   completely worn out after spending the whole weekend at a genital jamboree.

   The hardest part of gift buying is convincing yourself you don't deserve the gift more than the person you're buying it for.

   Every single person on a reality TV series is the kind of person you don't want to sit next to in a restaurant.

   I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.

   Vagiinas are like the weather if its raining and wet, Its time to go inside!

   I wanted to tell a mexican joke today, but I didn't want to go over the border!

   We'll take your Prime Minister and Chancellor, only if you also take Justin Beaver, lil wayne witha side of Taylor Swifter

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   When a woman says she doesn't want a boyfriend what she really means is that she doesn't want you. Remember women are liars

   you know you have a drinking problem if the bartender knows your name.....and you've never even been to that bar before.

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..