Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm even late for work when I work from home

   My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.”

   I found handcuffs in one of my sister's drawers. Why would she not tell me she's a cop?

   We r so poor, We are taking our vacation on Google Street View this year.....

   Looks aren't everything but they sure are a lot.

   Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty!

   I don't do the "walk if shame", I do the "stride if pride!"

   I'm a cat and when I smoke pot I gain the ability to type for 60 secmeow meow meow.

   He stopped loving her today. RIP George Jones

   I dropped my cell phone in water. I dried it out in a bag of Uncle Ben's. He stole my minutes.

   Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

   Are we sure about this George Jones news? He may just be playing possum.

   The Boston Bombers mom looks alot like the Wicked Witch in the Land of Oz movie to me....... Let's hope she doesn't have any flying monkeys.

   Dallas Cowboys drafted one of the Duck Dynasty Brothers

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold blow jobs by the seashore.

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.