Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If what I just did in that Koreatown restaurant bathroom gets back to Kim Jong-un,, we're all doomed

   I got a verbal restraining order from the Costco sample lady. Apparently I can't be within 50 ft of a sample cart anymore.

   Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

   Kim Jong Un should fire whoever came up with this years North Korea tourism advertising idea.

   I just booked my Spring Break vacation in North Korea! I can't believe the cheap deal I got!!

   The guy at the carwash just handed me a coupon for a "Free Wax Job"... Things sure backfired after I told him I'd like a Brazilian.

   Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10............................... It's actually pretty elementary meth

   I can't believe you brought to this restaurant that doesn't have any liquor. What am I suppose to eat!?

   I don't remember seeing anything in the Bill of Rights that says you can't get rid of the people who use guns in criminal act. Yup....Now , about that budget ... . .

   Walmart has made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing...... Walmart is going to invade Target.

   Wait now. It's OK to show g a why couples kissing but not a beautiful woman. That's BS!

   Sometimes You have to realize that ......( some people can stay in your HEART without being in your LIFE ) ......

   Dont say you miss her when youre the reason why she left ...#TeamNoGoingDownTown

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   This rum tastes way better hiding on isle 5 in the grocery store drinking it

   Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.

   Marriage is the only war, during which, you sleep with the enemy.

   My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.

   Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me