Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem is the ugly ones are too confident and the good looking ones are taken.

   Women's favorite dessert is the one with a hidden engagement ring inside it.

   Let's take our relationship to the next level: the breakup.

   St. Patrick Pro Tip: Clean your toilet now!! You may be face down in it later........

   When is a good time to mention St Patrick wasn't Irish, he was the son of slave-owning Roman nobility born in England and his color wasn't green, it was blue? Not today then?

   prepared to kiss you whether you are Irish or not.

   "whoever said tis better to loved and lost than never loved can scuk my ballsack..."Yeh, you're right because I'm geting a restraining order for them... :)

   Don't worry about buying happiness. Try renting or leasing it to see if it's what you really want.

   My potatoes bring all the Irish to the yard and they're like, that famine was hard.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   I hold the NASCAR world record for the number of races never watched. Zero.

   I think those who wear the sagging pants should start wearing skinny jeans. At least it would be entertaining watching them trying to walk.

   There's gratification and then there's "I love not responding to you on facebook chat" gratification.

   So is everyone Irish yet?

   I like a nice boob avi as much as the next dude, but some of you ladies make me feel like you're going poke an eye out.

   Married people don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. That would imply that they'd actually expect to get lucky.

   Seriously? Really? Seriously?? Really?? Seriously??? Really??? Said annoying people everywhere now a days.

   Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting "born again" and pretending I'm possessed by the Devil is not so funny to "non drunk people".

   Nice try "St. Patrick's Day", but I don't need a reason to drink!!

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.