Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember Kids: 'Stop, Drop and Roll' doesn't work in Hell ツ

   And the worlds biggest fan of the band Bullet for My Valentine goes to... Oscar Pistorius!!

   Just think... before Facebook all of this crazy s%*t was floating around in people's heads.

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything

   Confession: sometimes, right at the moment of climax, I forget about Dre.

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   To ease my mind, I just pretend the Die Hard sequels were written and directed by Hans Gruber as he fell from Nakatomi Plaza.

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   Carnival Cruise's final failure: not having Planet Of The Apes actors on the dock to greet passengers.

   Rihanna likes her beer like she likes her violence, domestic!

   All this meteor-related violence clearly stems from our cultural obsession with shoot-'em-up video games like ASTEROIDS.

   Oscar Pistorius is probably kicking himself in the @$$ right about now.

   Definitions: It is an "Asteroid" when traveling through space. It becomes a "Meteor" once it enters Earth's atmosphere. It is a "Meteorite" once it hits the ground. And it is "holymotherofgodwhatthehelljusthappened?!?" if it hits anywhere near you.

   First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes "Don't Do It"

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   I walked out of a club with a girl last night. She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my c*ck and said, "Yours or mine?" I said, "That's mine."

   I'm not sure what colon hydrotherapy is....... But I AM sure I don't need a Groupon for that..

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   Take an Aeropostale hoodie, soak it in Coors Light, & rub it on your face for 2 hours at a petting zoo. That’s a Dave Matthews Band concert.