Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call Of Duty will really have a guy thinking about joining the army. Then you realize how many times you died...

   I went to the Doctors and he said I'd better start watching what I eat..... So I've bought two tickets for the Grand National!! :)

   I saw this beautiful gal at the bar & went to ask her name, she said “1st Name: Outa, 2nd Name: Your League.”

   "Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine."

   If being supportive means to stand there and pretend to listen. Then, yes I am extremely supportive.

   To learn patience, you must wait for a woman to get dressed. But you'll probably need an anger management class first.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   There is a special place in hell for people who name their kids after their exes.

   You can leave your hat on, but definitely not your socks.

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   Do the Chinese realize that when they visit this country, they buy souvenirs made in their country.

   I picked up a Chinese girl last night at a New Year Celebration...we ended up at my place and things got pretty hot. She asked what I wanted, so I said, "69." She said, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"

   Those of you in the northeast whining about the blizzard. Newsflash...you live closer to the Arctic Circle than the rest of us, it's winter, and winds are directed your way. How about this idea...move.

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit

   I have just one word for my critics. Kissmyass...

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   Ladies, don't believe the magazines. Men don't like skinny women who starve themselves. They love women who are pretty & starve themselves.

   If you’re in a long distance relationship… ask for a picture of their genitals. If they’re shaved, they’re cheating on you.