Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Soccer: 90 minutes of no strategy, no intrigue, and no scoring.

   My dad gets to Bing by searching for it with Google!................... ( That is ALL you need to know )

   It’s insulting that 1-800-proflowers think we men can be guilted into ordering flowers for our…gotta go, only 1 caller ahead!!

   The MVP award last night should've been given to that kid from the Audi commercial. He was the player with the biggest balls.

   Hey ACCESS. the GO DADDY commercial may have made last place for likes and it was inappropriate for family viewing and was outright disturbing...way to go GO DADDY, it was the most successful add, most talked about!

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.

   pedophile: Get in the van I have candy. me: No! pedofile:I have free wifi too! me:Where would you like me to sit?

   accidently took my wife's menopause medicine last night,.... woke up at 2:30 a.m with an irresistible urge to slap the crap outta myself and tell me to go to my Dog house ....so here I am....

   changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...

   celebrating black history month by wearing a white cotton t-shirt

   The way I see it, is if there were no men in the world, the planet would be filled with nothing but happy fat women. And a shortage of batteries.

   Every 3rd world country in the world has a soccer team. Heck, all you need is empty space and a ball.

   Guys, I heard this crazy myth that there are people who don't hate themselves after every meal. Is this true?

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Sadly, I don't think Fast & Furious sequels are being released fast or furiously enough.

   I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.

   Great, now Ray Lewis has killed more people AND won more Super Bowl rings than me. :(

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Before 2012 it was dave chappelle here. Now it's like conan o'brien.