Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   I wonder if Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend ever suspected him of not seeing somebody else...

   1.5% of my Chapstick is lost because I shave a little off every time I put the cap back on.

   Firefox; the best browser to download Google's YOUTUBE videos.

   I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.

   I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   C ondoms prevent minivans.

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   Think of a number between 68 and 70....

   Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.

   If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.

   a hangover is the wrath of grapes

   I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny

   breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....

   There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.