Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When asked if she was lip-synching or not at the presidential inauguration, Beyonce replied "I would blame it on the rain, but unfortunately it wasn't raining just really cold, and girl you know it's true."

   "That's it. Nice and slow." "Don't stop. Just keep going." "You've almost got it. A little slower." "Oh my God! Slow down! Slow down!" Brace yourself!" And that's about how it goes when I let her drive.

   I love walking with my wife on the beach,, until the ambien wears off and I'm just dragging a mannequin around the Wal-Mart parking lot.

   Micheal J. Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday........ And yes,, They are Still shaking hands..

   At the bank, I told the cashier, "I'd like to open a joint account please." "OK with whom?" Whoever has lots of money.

   So rumor has it that Tiger Woods and Lindsay Vonn are dating....I wonder if he thinks it will be easier to go downhill on her....

   Scientists just announced non-smokers live longer than smokers. Also, fire is hot and beer is good…

   Apparently "I'm outta here, play on playa" is not the proper way to tell your boss you're leaving early.

   I got thrown out of a children's fancy dress party because all I was wearing was a red T-shirt. Some people have obviously never heard of Winnie the Pooh.

   Our neighbor's dog shat in our garden, so my mom told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog sh*t in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel.

   has never been able to watch Finding Nemo all the way through in one sitting due to it's frequent use of the "N" word.

   First time I saw a dry erase board I said thats "remarkable"

   Sex education, the ONLY class I ever did home work for!!

   beating your meat as a teenager just prepares you for marriage...

   Tom Brady's kick was still better than David Akers

   The first scene of Star Wars 7 should be C-3P0 waking up and saying "I just had three horrible dreams!"

   Jesus paid for your sins. Make sure he gets his moneys worth!

   It gives me collywobbles to admit this but most of what I post is purely flibbertigibbet. It's not that I think you to be a gobemouche, i'm just a pettifogger and a slangwanger. I'm not a snollygoster, I just love to bloviate. Thanks for understanding!

   Some ideas are infectious, so make sure you’ve had your self-esteem vaccine before listening to some douchebag that’s judging you.

   They say, if you like her, put a ring on it. And I am saying, If you like him, put a BJ on it.