Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for this darn insomnia! ツ

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   There's a woman in New Jersey that has a rare medical condition that makes her have 100's of unwanted orgasims. She has 100's of orgasims a day and is still complaining. That just proves women are never happy

   Fast forward to the drive-thru one...

   Ladies... If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are.

   this isn't the status you're looking for

   Hump Day tedium..(Yes, tedium. I don't care about your boring business deal. Unless you won the lottery or Marilyn Monroe came back from the dead to gave you head, your day was tedious.)

   named my hard drive "That Thang" so once a month my computer asks me to back 'That Thang' up.

   I for one, do not long for the good old days. You know, back when you had to wait 30 minutes for a pic to download to the point where you just begin to see the top of her head.

   I love the fact that she likes reverse cowgirl cuz I cant stand her face.

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"

   I cheer in all directions rather than limiting myself to just "up"

   kids at the front door selling drugs!!!! I got 3 boxes of thin mints coming!

   262 million people have been killed by governments this century. If you believe your chances of being shot by an American citizen is greater than being killed by a dictator that has disarmed the public...you're sadly mistaken!!!

   Yoda only one for me

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   I want to have kids one day but what If I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I can't take that risk.

   Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"