Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Birthday Elvis! TCB, baby!

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore

   How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints

   Taylor Swifts new song: "He went One Direction and I went another"

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Red Cross taking donations for disaster relief...... Text "Irish"

   smoking a blunt with Justin Bieber.....

   I trust an Instgram photo about as much as I trust those attorneys that advertise during soap operas...

   I hate when people come over and they're like "Do you have a bathroom?" No...we sh1t in the yard!

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.

   Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football

   If Mariah Carey can give birth to twins and still reclaim her toned tummy, surrely I can also get rid of this holiday season beer gut and reclaim my six pack.

   I'm anxiously awaiting my front row tickets to...what goes around comes around

   Our country is broke and overweight. Yet we still pay $$ to power up escalators? Makes sense.

   bored? send a text to a random number that says "I hid the body" what's next boss?

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   This just in: Notre Dame has made adjustments from last night’s scrimmage and is looking forward to the real game tonight…

   Let’s have a moment of silence for the brave bud that got smoked by that fagatron Bieber.