Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night I slept for eight hours straight. Then two hours gay.

   I bet Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like its $19.99

   I just robbed everyone at a Whole Foods Market and I was armed with nothing but a bag of gluten

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   You can tell a lot about a person by making vast assumptions.

   Hope all the gun haters are watching "A Christmas Story" right now, Ralphie just got his Red Ryder BB Gun!

   I've long accepted the fact my parents were Santa. But what I still don't get is how they manage to deliver all the presents around the world in a single night

   guess what I found under the Christmas tree??? Floor tiles!

   Oh bloody hell! Someone has eaten all of the figgy pudding! ツ

   Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.

   I'm gonna buy a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I'll say "I ordered this damn thing a year ago!"

   Merry Hammered People!!!! I'm Christmas!!!!

   I saw one of those Hummercars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

   My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.

   Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."

   When I wake up before my alarm clock...I sometimes sneak up on it while it's still sleeping and yell "HOW DOES IT FEEL B*TCH"

   Raise some kids, raise a family, grow old together... God that sounds like a fairytale these days.

   If it requires clothes…I probably don't want to do it with you.