Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect

   If you try to use Apple's iOS 6 maps, you might discover a new unchartered continent.

   It's only a matter of time before the red, squiggly line disappears from the word Gangnam ...

   I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.

   Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.

   In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.