Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't help but be jealous of dudes who have those really masculine voices like Miley Cyrus.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Just got the giant cardboard check folded up and crammed in my wallet from the Publishing Clearinghouse Sweepstakes I won from 1996.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.

   The people of Colorado and Washington State are opting for a less traditional Thanksgiving dinner this year: Turkey. Pot. Pie.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   Dopers all over the United States morn as Hostess announces it is shutting down operations. No more sno-balls, Twinkies, King Dons, and other comfort foods. On a brighter note, stock in Cheetoes has gone thru the roof!!!!!

   We got it own to a science. You keep sending those facebook invites, and I'll keep declining 'em.

   Ready, Set, Weekend !

   I haven't wanted a Twinkie in years.... until I was told I couldn't have them anymore.

   I get really excited when scrolling through the channel guide and see "Beverly Hills" out of the corner of my eye, then I notice it's 90210 instead of Beverly Hills Cop.

   Every guy has a soft sensitive side. It's called “I need to get laid and I'll say and do anything to make it happen.”

   Inspirational stat us: Today's probably going to suck. Don't be a little b*tch and handle that sh*t.

   Thinking about suing my job for refusing to recognize my religion of being a bear and denying me my beliefs of winter hibernation.

   The only thing better than living a mundane, boring life is writing about it on the internet.

   Further proof the Mayans were right. Hostess goes bust while Little Debbie flourishes.

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.