Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage: Women giving up the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

   Let's leave Florida out of it next time. They've got enough on their plate, no need to burden them with national concerns.

   Now that Colorado has legalized marijuana it is only logical they change the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains

   Just because I don't post it everyday doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the things I have.

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

   The perfect man is the one that can afford my therapy bills.

   What the hell is a 'stable relationship' and is it as horrible as it sounds?

   I carry a gun because I'd rather be judged by 12 than carried by six.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer? Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.

   'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

   I haven't bathed in so long I'm starting to smell European.

   Sorry to hear about your breakup. If it's any consolation, I don't know what he ever saw in you.

   I feel bad for the kids these days that see a cool toy on TV, but can't order it because their parents have to be over 18 to call.

   Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   Marry the person who makes you forget about Facebook and thank them for saving your life.