Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how when a woman is drunk and walks in your door to have violent sex, it's all fun. But when I do the same thing, I'm being arrested?

   I bite my own lip because I can't bite yours.

   The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

   I don't mean to brag, but I unclog all my own pipes.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   Oh I get it. Winnie the Pooh Bear can climb a tree with no pants, but when I have a few drinks and do it, people start freaking out.

   Great minds think alike. But dirty minds think the same.

   If crazy were a place, it would be here.

   Boss: You can't drink while you're working! Me: Oh, I'm not working.

   That sense of entitlement, where do I get one of those?

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged. Love like you've never been unfriended. Sing like nobody's following. Share like you care. And do it all like it won't end up on FACEBOOK.

   wondering what wine goes best with cheerios?

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!

   Aerosmith on the Today Show. Willard Scott Wished them all a happy 100th birthday.

   Ubid, Deal Dash and all other penny auctions are gambling sites for shopaholics.

   Ever notice the bigger the girl, the more Looney Tunes characters she has on her shirt.

   I need a Stalker that will take out the trash before going thru it

   I love you.... and your weed.

   The problem with feelings is WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.