Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Democracy comes from the word demos, meaning mob a mob in the street is a demos. Ocracy means rule,ur welcome

   I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!

   Sometimes my farts even takes me by surprise *cough*cough*

   Plenty of Fish "Hey, here are 3 pictures of my cleavage and I, but don't message me for sex"

   Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

   If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair

   If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.

   My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.

   Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.

   As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.

   AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".

   Football officially starts its regular Sunday rotation tomorrow. So ladies, if there's anything that you wanna say to your husband, today's the day!

   Sometimes I don't understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!

   So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?

   Just saw Styx at the County Fair....Wow,  if you gave them machine guns they could double as the Euro-Villans  from Die hard....

   hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics

   I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car

   If you develop a rash from your new girlfriend then discontinue use immediately.