Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   Taco Bell at 3 in the morning = runny doo doo at 9 in the morning

   I like my steak like I like my p*s$y, juicy with a warm pink center

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.

   All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.

   A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.

   I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.