Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.

   Creates an imaginary girlfriend. She just wants to be friends.

   You had me at let's get divorced.

   Between every cigarette that I smoke, I quit smoking.

   Hello September ツ ...Don't wake 'Green Day' up!

   3 Things I Learned Tonight: 1)It's not what you know, it's what you show. 2)If Swingers twice your age try to engage, just SLIDE away! 2.5) Especially if they mention "lube"...that's when you put on the BRAKES! 3) Samuel L Jackson is a DAMN good whistler!

   Whats two tamp00ns say while walking down the road, NOTHING, there stuck up b!cthes

   I see the grade schoolers are here for the long weekend with the childish "jokes"

   Wife and grandchildren are out of town. I'm eating ice cream for breakfast in my whitie tighties, I'm the man of the house now!!

   I've been single for so long, I'm not sure I would even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Are relationships still even a thing?

   Men who shave their arms, legs and/or chest probably shave their v@ginas as well.

   Half of the world's population is crazy. The other half is male.

   I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

   The only way I could get any lazier right now would be to die.

   How long after I lay all of my feelings on the table do they start to get rotten?

   Let me wipe those tears away with my boobies.

   During sex, I'll bite, scratch, swear and pull hair but it only seems to encourage uncle Brian.

   I wanted you all to know that I'm here for you. If any of you need a kidney, I'd be more than happy to cut one out of a co-worker for you.

   If Americans are so angry about illegal border crossings, why does the national anthem start with 'Jose can you see?'