Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   I remember in 1st grade, if you were the line leader you were the s$it!

   BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.

   Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.

   Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definately let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.

   crazy woman on the train claiming Jesus was coming back, so I stood up and said, "yes, I am back and you are a sinner". She really freaked out when I started baptizing her with my water bottle.

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today. I made myself a sandwich.

   "BasketBall Wives" = A bunch of ungrateful hoes.

   My beard is the welcome mat to my face.

   I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.

   I haven't had to use cond0ms in almost 15 years. Now that I am divorced and single, that'll have to change. Where do I get them? Do I need a prescription?

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   Okay so I meet this woman. Deb Bowen. The first thing she says is that she's not high maintenance. I ask, "How so?" She goes, "I prefer Cool Whip over Whipped Cream."

   I always carry a knife. Because I believe in cutting-edge technology.

   Sometimes I'll jerk off on a dozen eggs just to give my sperm a false sense of hope.

   You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

   I used to love when my parents left little notes in my lunch box when I was a kid, like "Get an A or don't bother coming home".

   They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too ツ