Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not arrogance if I say it isn't

   I'm sorry. You need a favor? You know I'd consider it if I weren't so inconsiderate.

   Why do we call it passing gas? Who are we passing it to? Let's just call it offering up a preview of our pending crap.

   When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, 'Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's 'Can I drink with these?'

   Call me paranoid but I don't trust brown towels.

   Soft p0rn didn't die. It just mutated into pop music videos.

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   For those of you who don't know me, we haven't met yet.

   Rep. Todd Akin has decided to stay in the race. Is that really surprising - a guy who knows so little about the female body, doesn't know when to pull out?

   Dos Equis: Death once had a "near him" experience.

   I'm no zombie, but I do like brain ; )

   Working on my hurricane prep list. Heineken's, Cigarette's, Red Cross phone number. All done!

   getting tattoos on your face does not cover up ugly....it makes you ugly wit a "F"☞ "FUGLY"....ツ

   I must be grown up, I suffer from Vodka Vision, not beer goggles...

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   Bryan Brown ‎"Can I see your phone??" SURE.. Just don't look in my contacts.... or my texts... or my pics.. or my videos... or my.. you know what just give me my damn phone back.. #Mr.Brown

   My EX is crazy, if her emotions were on my iPod, they would be on shuffle.

   "You love to laugh?? Wow, how unique!" said no one, ever...