Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One nicely manicured pu$$y is worth two in the bush.

   Unless you're a dog, you shouldn't be that excited to see me.

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"

   When my kids look back on the photos of my life they'll think, "Wow, he wore that shirt a lot."

   I should not be punished for you being stupid

   I was angry when my neighbors put a fence around their swimming pool but then I got over it

   I just got flipped off from a guy in a smart car. I didnt know if I should be mad or laugh.

   I'm so hungry I could drink 5 more beers.

   I'm at my best when no one is around.

   I believe in evolution by natural selection. But I have one big problem with it. Its not fast enough and there are too many safeguards in place not to let nature do its thing.

   Not to be vague, but stuff and things.

   Mature content. Blood, intense violence, and strong language. Like a woman on her period.

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!

   Women....why does your purse need a seat of it's own?

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"

   I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence.

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...