Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

   Randy Travis' meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it.

   The absolute worst thing I did when I was drunk was getting married.

   I haven't had this many women fawning over me since the day I came home from the hospital as a newborn.

   9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

   Its finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!

   Today at the supermarket I expressed my displeasure at the price of milk via the medium of dance.

   To my opponent in songpop that keeps selecting "Classic R&B"... no one likes you.

   Ever notice that as soon as you wash your car, sprinklers that you have never seen before suddenly become active just as you drive up.

   if man evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys??

   wondering why everyone is so excited about landing a rover on Mars. Did everyone forget that we've been landing junk there (including 2 other rovers) since 1976.

   Dear Google, Stop making stupid doodles to f**k with the productivity of the employees of other offices.

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   So I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.