Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.

   It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

   I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!

   SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.

   What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy.

   My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.

   How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

   waiting for the chinese to develope a way for me to order my food online and not have to listen to their crap anymore.

   so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!

   Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.

   You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.

   The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!

   If we're not supposed to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the fridge?

   Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.

   Forgetful? Can't remember where you put things? There's an app for that, somewhere...

   I see all these different hairstyles come and go back and forth! Can ''Baldness'' have just one month.....say this September!!!

   Unicorns eventually got into rough @n@l-play. And that's why they're extinct.