Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scientists finally discovered how an elephant trumpets. Maybe now they can get back to curing cancer…

   My Level Of Maturity Changes Depending On Who I'm With

   I'm such a maverick. I refuse to make Sun tea. I'm making Moon tea, and let me tell you...that $hit's been on the back porch for 8 years and it STILL ain't done.

   Screw YOLO! Give me a ROLO!!!

   I always wanna take the waitress home with me and give her a tip there.

   All I wanna know is how the hell do you bring the lactose intolerant boys to the yard!?!?

   Get drunk and screw = dating ... Get drunk and argue = married

   China has really impressed me in the Olympics. They use the same person for every event!

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .

   I'm just a Flintstones girl, trying to make it in a Transformers world.

   It's not a problem getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar unless it's while you're drunk and naked in your neighbors kitchen.

   People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

   What if the dryer didnt take a sock, but actually gave us an extra sock - Some stoned dude

   Seeing the physique of the male swimmers in the relay today made me wanna do something. So I sat up, ate ice cream, and cried myself to sleep...

   My safe word is: You're doing it wrong, you idiot

   I always keep a gun in my glove box. Not for safety. For making people exit a moving vehicle when they b!tch about me listening to Bob Dylan

   If you quit school, just remember these two things... 1: You tried your best, and 2: I don't like pickles on my Big Mac.