Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just so you know...weather conditions where simultaneously wearing shorts and Uggs is acceptable - NEVER EXIST!

   dear NBC, wake me up when women's beach volleyball starts...

   Does McDonalds really believe by showing Olympic Athletes in their commercials it's going to make their food any healthier!

   Just remember whatever you put up with you end up with!

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone "Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who's phone you've just called." Problem solved!

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Anyone know of a good book for training hamsters? Trying to amass my army.

   I love being naked in a house alone... It's just a little awkward when the owner's arrive.

   To be fair, my hand is prettier than most of the girls I've slept with, I should stop cheating on it.

   So whats the deal with all the Athletes, biting their GOLD Medals.... Is England's economy that Bad or are they hoping they are the Choclate filled Medals?????

   i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..

   Whte Kid: SHUT UP MOM!!! Mom: *Shuts Up* Blck Kid: SHUT UP MOM! *Wakes up* Where am I? Doctor: Intensive care. O.O

   Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!

   Trying to change my ways.......Now when I pick my nose, I don't wipe it on people anymore.

   Pardon me while I slip into something a little more... unconscious.

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   It's so hot outside, I bet Jehovah's Witnesses are going to start telemarketing.

   Why is YOLO popular all of a sudden? Was there seriously a problem of people thinking we lived twice?

   Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!