Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good news guys! Only 17 more days until we can stop hearing about the Olympics!

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.

   I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.

   Getting a guy to walk me home and then stabbing him will never get old.

   It is true there is no "I' in team, but there is a lot of "I's" on the USA Olympic Men's Basketball Team

   @nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.

   Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.

   Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.

   dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…

   will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!

   I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!"

   Apparently, "I had an interview with a better company" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.

   Remember, ladies...It's better to wake up with a mysterious gash on your finger than a mysterious finger in your gash.

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   Gay firemen were the first pole dancers. And they were fabulous.

   another olympics, another stern letter to Australians reminding them kangaroos aren't athletes.

   You Know, I'll never be an Olympic athlete but I did participate in a Toyotathon once...