Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when I get on facebook I get excited when I see the red numbers over the globe thing, until I open it and find it is for a stupid game request

   There are certain things in life that are a waste of time and energy. That's why I don't hold in my farts

   What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got Fat

   Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Everyone I told swore they wouldn't tell anyone else

   At a Hotal a Man accidentally bumps into a Woman beside him and as he does his elbow touches her Brea$t. The man says ''Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your brea$t I know you'll forgive me!'' Her ''If your Pen!$ is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 436

   The way Police check to see if you're wearing your seat belt they should do to make sure ''Certain'' people are wearing Condoms!!!

   I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I thought of quitting smoking. But all those smoke rings I make from cigarette puffs are so adorable!

   What if Pitbull hasn't really slept with all those girls and he is just bragging?

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   If it wasn't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   it poontang or punetang? Need to know fast, I'm writing a sympathy card.

   Oh I'm sorry, I forgot I only exist when you need something!

   I wonder if a Jedi can do a Jedi mind trick on himself to over-come a phobia.

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   Bad Gun! Bad Gun!....Shame on you for making criminals do those bad things!.......And then those Forks that are making me Fat!!!