Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   As a skeptic I find it very hard to believe in myself.

   Not enough people realize the value of slacking off.

   Thanks to "50 Shades of Grey" someones fingers smell like 50 cans of Chicken of The Sea.

   Yeah, gonna sue McDonalds. Just ate 7 of their happy meals and now I hate myself.

   Please don't dress like a slut unless you're really a slut...It's very confusing to us guys.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Congrats on being one of the "cool kids" in Highschool. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   8 planets, 1 universe, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and I just HAD to find yo dumbass.

   When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the s$it out of.

   Got a problem with me? I'm pretty sure a status on Facebook won't fix it.

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees obviously never grew marijuana...

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   You haven't lived if you have never done a line of coke off a girl's ass.

   Farmers complaining about the drought. Why not just buy corn at the store??..... idiots

   Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation,, even if I'm not sure what it means