Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beauty and the Beast is my favorite story that teaches kids that if you're ugly, hold a girl against her will & she'll eventually love you.

   Hung like Einstein smart as a horse... Thanks dad.

   I was thinking of you today! I also threw up in my mouth a little, but it just might be a coincidence!!!

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

   Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are.

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   WTF.... (welcome to facebook)

   My liver works harder for two days than I do all week...

   Magic Mike is truly magical... its the first time my woman has come home without having a "Headache"...

   I wanna go to Africa to see where rappers come from.

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.

   Practicing my "Eye Rolling" cause you know... tomorrow's Monday.

   i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.

   There's 5 words in the English language that gets everyone defensive, protective and nervous..... those words are "Can I see your phone?"......

   EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

   Love and Alcohol are same... Once tasted, you can never stay away from them !!!!!

   Nowadays MILF doesn't have the same meaning, especially since there are 15 year old moms

   Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.