Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know she is a groupie when she has hundreds of George Clooney pictures in her photo albums and only one of her boyfriend.

   I can always tell if they use fake dinosaurs in films.

   would like to go see Magic Mike, but only to explore the narrative, artistic, cultural, economic, and political implications of the film.

   Wish my wife loved me like my cat does but she refuses to come in while I'm sh!tting and lick my leg.

   Do you know how many people were gored in Spain during the running of the bulls? Same as last year: Not enough

   OMG, Kourtney Kardashian had a baby!? I didn't even know she was worth talking about!

   Women should support other women, not cut them down. Unless she really is a b!tch, then carry on ladies.

   Rednecks have extremely generous Toothfairies, the way they keep giving up their teeth 4 in a row:)

   Dear Lionel Richie, what do woman have to do three times to make them a lady? Asking for slut.

   A man in a standoff with police demanded to marry Paris Hilton. Now he is undergoing psychological tests. Are these tests REALLY necessary?

   A beautiful woman in the cafeteria just gagged while eating her banana... She's now dead to me.

   Couldn't it have been a little cooler for National No Bra Day??

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

   My ball sagometer is at 6” today…

   If you're not going to stick to the time you gave me, don't give me a time at all..

   " well The ghost writer of ghost rider is the ghost rider from ghost rider is the ghost writer from ghost rider."-nicholas cage when asked who writes his movies

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   If you hear a loud scream followed by crying, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   Hey get the joke right, it should be: The Dali lama walks into a pizza joint the cashier says can I help you and the Dali says make me one with everything,

   IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.