Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.

   I need a new recliner but I don't feel like shopping. Lazy boy...

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   I am sure during sex, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian call out their own names.

   I just saw a beautiful girl in a bikini eating fruit. What a pear!!

   I had a bad day...but at least no one took my pants off and ate my face.

   I know the corn on the cob is going to be good when it squirts me in the face while I peel it... I SO feel like a female porn star.

   when people ask....I tell them I been sober for 21 years.

   You know you have a problem when every letter you type in the address bar will bring up a porn site ..

   If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy.

   I'm going to start doing things WITH further ado......... Take that, ado haters.

   Ummm,,,,, Sorry about "car chases",,,,,,, ALL you European outdoor fruit markets,, And cart-vendors

   Well,,, I'm off to leave single shoes on the side of the highway for my annual summer road trip.. Yeah, that's me,,,,, I've been doing that.

   My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me

   Drank two pitchers of mojitos and didn't post a photo of it... Yes,,, it IS actually possible do that.

   If the catholic church looks down on sex before marriage does that mean all of those priests committed two sins?

   Dont lose the girl of your life, for the hoe of the night.

   Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.

   The 3 worst words to hear right now..."Tomorrow is Monday"