Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank goodness I can now re-read yesterday's posts on page one...

   I'm guessing sex when you're 80 and up is like playing pool with a rope.

   Today is one of those days you want to crank the AC down to 68 and watch Braveheart.

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"

   If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   "The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

   I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''

   I like hitting stuff to make it work. Makes me feel like the Fonz.

   Respect old people: they graduated highschool without google or wikipedia.

   Well, I'm bored again. Time to open the fridge.

   I've done absolutely nothing today. Glad I still got it in me.

   Last night I slept next to a plate full of Dominos pizza crumbs if any of you are wondering where I am in my life's journey.

   I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.

   I'm really attracted to how unavailable you are.

   Match.com now has live events called Match.live. Should've called them what they really are: Sausagefests!!

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.