Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me!", you're supposed to reply, "I sure as hell hope not.. isn't that the whole point?"

   ...Snakes & sparklers are the only ones I really like anyways....

   The most disappointing conclusion you'll ever come to is finding out who you really are.

   Confession: After midnight, I only let SOME of it hang out.

   Happy birthday America, you lovable old geezer!

   pretty excited about the recent discovery of the Higgs Boston or God particle... I could be wrong, but if my calculations are correct, this means 'Mass Effect' IRL!!!?

   I've never actually seen two women "scissoring" but I'd bet you a million dollars that it sounds like an armpit farting contest. :(

   I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.

   There's nothing like celebrating America's independence by spending hundreds of dollars on Chinese fireworks.

   Sometimes you gotta cut a person loose to see if they bounce.

   We're independent but we DEPEND on other countries' resources and goods...Like China and England..Can you Contradiction.

   July 4th is the perfect day to get rid of your spouse.....with the fireworks bangs..no one will hear a couple of shots:)

   Women want to be equal to men in every aspect except dating. You all want the same positions in the rest of the world but still expect to be wined and dined. How about steaks and bjs for the guys.

   I think I now also push people away on a subliminal level.

   Guys you already got your pu$$y, so if your woman wants a cat, dont stand in her way.

   I like to fart while am changing gears

   How about instead of flirting and carrying on a conversation under my status that has nothing to do with it's original topic, you try using the chat window, the poke button, or maybe even do it the old fashioned way! Call the B!tch!!!

   Got my passport application forms back today..... Apparently in the Place of Birth section:"between my mother's legs" isn't an acceptable answer.

   If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!