Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should blast the Oscar Meyer Weiner Song non-stop into Jerry Sandusky's cell for the 400yrs he's in there!!!

   Lucky my wife loves me and accepts me even with my super small "package". Unrelated, I wonder why that UPS truck is always at my house lately?

   I nicknamed his d!ck "The Scrambler". Because it was a two-minute ride, and I threw up on it once.

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.

   I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. I forgot it only takes like 30 seconds to pee.

   I'll be your filthy, dirty, naughty girl every day. Not you, jackass. You either. You.

   People who complain about the way the ball bounces probably dropped it.

   Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   Porn has ruined my life. My toilet is blocked and I'm too scared to call the plumber :(

   My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days. Lmao.....

   GUYS: dont you just love it when your girlfriends friends have worse relationships than yours!!!!

   Lazy rule #52... If it's more than 5 feet away...it becomes unnecessary...

   U.S. television game show host Alex Trebek is recovering from a mild heart attack he suffered on Saturday, but not worry his life is not in Jeopardy.

   Grumble,,grumble,,,,,, I'm just going to answer you in thrusting motions.

   Did Michael Jackson die again??

   Dear McDonalds, Just to let you know, the first 60 seconds I obtain my French Fries they are like a box of fried deliciousness. However, after 61 seconds, they suddenly turn into rubber sticks of sh!t. Work on that