Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once masturbated so hard I went temporarily deaf. Couldn't even hear the guy sitting next to me on the train ask for his hand back.

   I thought 4 cups of coffee might make me feel less stabby but it just made me want to stab faster and more accurately

   I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.

   Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!

   Seen it, done it, can't remember most of it.

   Do these throbbing jugulars, twitching temples & clenched jaws look 'calm' to you? Body language is key.

   I won't protect you, but I will lay in bed next to you telling you what I think is making those freaky noises.

   GIRL: "You give me butterflies" BOY: "You give me b0ners"

   I see your creepiness level and raise you a disappearing act.

   Do dyslexic devil worshipers sell their soul to Santa?

   I wonder if everyone who pays 2 dollars to buy a bottle of Evian realize that backwards it spells naive

   I find it hilarious that only one company makes the game monopoly

   I bet dogs are saying "Where is our damn Abraham Lincoln? We are tired of these humans thinking they own us."

   You know who was hurt the most in this whole ordeal by name association alone... the residents of Sandusky, Ohio... And the American workers at Callahan Auto... they make the best parts money can buy...

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is!!

   Gas is dropping...we must have secured an oil rig in the middle east...

   May be we all should start a #RIPCharlieSheen trend. He'd be so drunk, It'll take him a while to realise he is not dead.

   thumbs up if you drive til the gas light come on

   Jerry Sandusky is about to go from tight end to wide receiver.

   Am I the only mother***king one who doesn't understand a f***king word that Katt Williams motherf***king says?