Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   I accidentally ran over someone's cat today and was too nervous to track down the owner and tell them what I did, so I left a note on it that said "Curiosity was here."

   Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder.

   Ge out of Hell Free card! Jesus Christ is your only Salvation!

   Relationships must be chosen wisely. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.'Fall in love when you're ready,not when you're

   If you were getting sexts from someone you're not interested in, does that mean you got molexted? Or is it textual harassment?

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, by the end you will wish you had a club and a spade.

   the private sector is doing fine.

   The most romantic way to have sex with a girl is to t!tty f#ck her, because that's when you're closest to her heart.

   Men have feelings too. For example, they feel hungry.

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   HEY,, I've only have 26 letters to work with.... Don't expect miracles.

   If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man... My superpower would be foiling crime

   I'm Canadian and ham is pig and bacon is bacon. Enough said.

   Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.

   "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." So? You can catch even more with manure. What's your point?

   My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.

   When I see "sent from my iphone" I read it as "i'm on the toilet"

   Don't be in a relationship if you're going to act single...