Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I play a game on my computer ,the screen goes dark . and I see my own reflection in the screen and wonder what I am doin with my life ..then the next level starts.

   Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks

   Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.

   If eating a bunch o junk f food when you're supposed to be sleeping isn't a super power, then I don't know what is...

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..

   Apples don't fall from my family tree, NUTS DO ..............

   T̶r̶ eat your girl right, or someone else will

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   They say real men! don't eat quiche. Well we'll find out in 45 minutes...

   I like to take a day off every now and then to create the illusion of a real life.

   so So, my script is about a lactose-intolerant psychic lesbian spy with a penchant for cheese fries & loose women. -Awful movie pitches

   My favorite reality show is that one with all the fights at restaurants or bars.

   Text me like its being read back to you by Chris Hansen.

   Axe is the auto-tune for body odor.

   Getting really into filling life's emptiness with carbs.

   After the movie Magic Mike is released this weekend all the theatre seats are going to looks like snails crawled across them...

   I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around.”

   tis the month of graduations... and they STILL refuse to take my Star Wars graduation theme idea. Jedi robes instead of gowns, lightsabers... and I would LOVE to attend a Chewbaccalaureate service!

   When you say the word “poop” your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. The same can be said for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

   Apple is announcing today that they are coming out with a new line of products for pets. The first is for dachsunds. It's called : I touch weiners