Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The celebration of single moms on "Fathers Day" kills me! Single moms do some amazing things but keeping a man apparently isn't one of them. 

   What makes women think a rapist is gonna wait around to be misted by tobassco spray you got in your purse, hell you guys cant even find your phone in there, and its ringing and vibrating...

   If anyone is having a bad day, remember that yesterday in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. Now it's worth $58,065,210,000

   For Fathers Day I made breakfast in bed for my dad. It's extremely hard to cook food while in bed, and now his bed sheets are ruined.

   i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...

   *Moments Before Ending A Phone Call: "All right, cool, yeah, ok, haha yeah, I know right!, tomorrow, yep. later man. all right..bye" (click)

   Happy Baby Daddy Day to all the guys that forgot to wear a condom.

   I want to be famous and make a cure that saves tens of people!

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   Just to set the record straight! My Dad can beat up all your Dad's!!!

   R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!

   I think I'm more shocked that rodney king had a swimming pool than that he is dead

   R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...

   It's like these people at work don't even know who I think I am.

   The way I just scratched my back on the orner of the wall, leads me to believe I would be a pretty good male stripper!!!

   A wise man once said nothing.

   I think we can all learn something from Rodney Kings death.....Never ever ever under any circumstances have a pool party with Robert Wagner!

   When I go to Subway and a guy makes my sandwhich, it just doesnt taste the same...

   Rodney King is dead at age 47. Anyone who stole a TV thanks to the ass-kicking this man took should honor him in a moment of silence

   You summoned the Piss Wizard! Urine trouble now