Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to write a book about the connection between rationalizing and procrastinating... Typing it would probably be easier. Might just dictate it to someone, make a few notes, or record it. Yeah, totally gonna do that, eventually!

   Me everyday on Facebook chat: Crap, look who's online…LOG OUT LOG OUT LOG OUT…”Hey whats up?”…damn!!

   I hope some brilliant people find a cure for every major disease, because I refuse to walk 5Ks.

   I don't mean to brag, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   My bathroom scale and I have our ups and downs.

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   n't it funny that Mr. Krabs lives in Bikini Bottom? Coincidence? I think not!

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%

   that risky towel walk you have to do from the shower to the bedroom

   A Rabbi and a Priest are walking in the park when they see a little boy. Priest: "Hey let's go screw that little boy" Rabbi: "Out of what?"

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   I want to buy the jersey of my favorite 2012 Stanley Cup Champion player ... but nobody my age wants to advertise the work "Quick" on their back ...

   if you want to know what rich people do, just follow me. I know where they live...

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   I want to date a therapist. So I can talk about myself all day and I don't have to pay them to listen.

   Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.

   I should marry my neighbour. He doesn't live with me, we never speak, and we see each other naked all the time.

   They have hookers at the Market now...brb I need some Cantaloupes

   If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.

   Her: "Did you download the new Justin Bieber album?" Me: "No...I've got a horrible case of good taste in music."