Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I squirt mayonnaise across my breasts so I don't forget what it's like to have a boyfriend.

   Her: I want to kiss you where you pee. Me: In the shower?

   It's not that I can't sleep it's more like sleep is really boring.

   I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   The lady in front of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Did you know the ocean gets it's saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want to cuddle.

   If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.

   The Best solution against Zombies, is Weed......Light em Up!

   Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I have alzheimer's.................hey I just met you.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink...

   Today I am the C.E.O of the "I Don't Give A Sh*t" Committee........ We Are Hiring

   Has 99 problems. All bittches.

   Can someone please snort bath salts next time they see Justin Bieber in person?

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   Dog is man's best friend. Cat is an acquaintance.

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty

   Another Sign of getting older: When you recall Nick-At-Night was once mostly Black & White!

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."